Finding Trust During Change: Living Surrender #4

This post is part of a “Living Surrender” series I am writing as a way to live into my new book, Seeking Surrender, with my readers.

Surrender happens in our daily life, the one we are actually living. It’s not a spiritual ideal for saints and holy people, but rather a living and dynamic force that moves in and through us. Surrender is an invitation to find contentment and peace right here and now, to open ourselves to trusting life beyond the limitations that our fears, our expectations, and our disappointments impose upon it.

It’s always good for me to read my own words, like those above, since they remind me of the journey, the process, the practice, and the grace of living surrender in my daily life. During the past few weeks, I have been in flux about my job situation, and I have not really handled it with grace. I have faced such fear, old fear as well as new fear.

I have chosen to leave the elementary school, where I have worked as a part-time school librarian for nine years, for a new situation with older students in a smaller school setting. I feel called to change the pace and energy of my daily work, so I am making this move with hope.

However, as I write this I have not yet received my new school assignment, so I am anxious about where I will land and how the new situation will honestly work out for me. I am leaving the familiar and facing the unknown. So now, I find myself in the in between time, a vulnerable place where fear finds me easily.

Can I trust the calling to make a change, even though the security of the familiar is gripping at me? 

Because I had an extremely unstable childhood, making a change like this has really upset my sense of security and stability. Yet, below the surface, I feel such a strong desire to seek surrender and trust. It has not been easy for me.

I find myself up in the middle of the night, which is not unfamiliar to me. Last night, the fear was powerful, and kept me up. I met the moment with some tears and frustration, and with understanding and comfort. So after drinking some warm milk, I decided to rest in my bed. I have to learned to rest over the years. I placed my two hands over my heart, and began to pray in my body–using the breath to soothe me, and help me to reconnect with God’s deep love.

After some time, I was able to rest in divine love, letting myself be held and not holding on so tightly. This was a powerful way of praying. I felt myself falling deeper and deeper into the arms of perfect love, and moving away from the grip of fear. I heard myself repeating the words: God, I trust you with my life. 

Today when I went to spiritual direction, I talked about this intense fear with my director. And I remembered the powerful words, repeated so many times throughout the scriptures: Fear not.

I hold on to these words: Fear not.  Surrender is the way. 

Reflection:

• Can you find a way to rest and say: God, I trust you with my life?
• Where are you being called to make a change?
• Where are you being invited to hear the words: Fear Not?